Punishing your parent by not answering calls because of something previously said may be your way of coping with familial stressors. It makes the conversation one-sided, which limits how much you hear – that way, you won’t have to feel scared that your partner will touch on some of your more significant vulnerabilities within the dialogue. Yelling at your partner when they do something wrong makes it too loud to hear how you too can be a better partner. When hearing criticism on a project you worked very hard on, making a hurtful comment to your teammate masks the disappointment you feel in hearing non-positive feedback on something in which you felt particularly invested. Here are some examples of ways that the anger iceberg can be helpful: When frustrated at work We can also learn more about ourselves as emotional creatures, including how we currently cope, and how we can work towards healthier styles in the future.īecause anger is such a blinding emotion, using the Anger Iceberg can be very effective any time we need to remember that our reactions aren't one-dimensional. In paying attention to the other emotions involved in an anger reaction, we can better understand why we’re so mad and find ways to dissipate this anger in a productive, meaningful way. It gives attention to the underlying feelings bubbling beneath the obvious manifestations in behavior. The anger iceberg helps us figure out what else is going on. Yet we don’t see what’s beneath the surface: The other emotions in the mix, like frustration, hopelessness, disappointment, pain, jealousy, loneliness, or fear. We see and hear yelling, stomping feet, and raised voices. The Anger Iceberg is a concept created by the Gottman Institute that describes anger like an iceberg: Above the sea, we can see the visible "tip" of the anger. Then something happens – it could be something you see, an action someone else takes, or a thought that pops into your mind – and suddenly, you’re so angry that you want to scream. You notice something, a feeling, a little sensation in the back of your mind. You’re going through your day, life as usual, feeling just fine. It happens just like it did to the infamous Titanic. Just ask Jack Dawson about that one.Using the "Anger Iceberg" to Identify Your Underlying Emotions And honestly, ignoring the bottom half of an iceberg is always bad for a relationship. Keeping your relationship healthy means allowing yourself to look beyond the most visual emotion. "If you can identify the emotions underneath the anger, it can help to talk about the feelings, recognizing that anger is a defense against those softer, more frightening emotions," Dr. Taking a minute to dive deep into yourself can allow for a calmer, more proactive dialogue to unfold. Nelson recommends that you ask yourself a few questions: What is underneath the anger? What do I feel afraid of? What is making me feel vulnerable? What am I afraid I will lose or what will be taken away from me? You might just be feeling scared or insecure about your partner leaving you. The next time you feel yourself directing anger toward your partner, stop for a moment and think about the feelings that might be hiding within. Taking a minute to consider the Anger Iceberg, then, allows us to raise our overall Emotional Intelligence, and cool down an argument before it becomes a fight (because yes, bickering and fighting are different). We use as a mask to hide the more delicate emotions we're afraid to share with others. In essence, you can translate that toward getting angry at your partner.
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